The Crazies

ByVictoria AlexanderFilmsInReview.com

Mindless fun. Why are all survivors of horror movies stupid? I didn’t learn a thing about how to survive zombie-crazies but by dumb luck. When is someone going to organize zombies and give them a purpose?

A remake of George A. Romero’s 1973 THE CRAZIES – which none of us saw. When a new director takes on a horror movie, you never know what you will get. Hopefully, a new angle on an old theme. Director Breck Eisner does plenty with the stark, empty landscape of a small Midwestern town, Ogden Marsh, giving it a horror-like atmosphere. It’s vast, gloomy, and unfriendly.

Once again though, we have stupid people trying to survive.

The town’s sheriff, David Dutton (Timothy Olyphant, whose body looks strange and he walks funny!), has a pregnant, anorexic physician wife, Judy (Radha Mitchell) who must have gotten her medical license through an Internet caribbean school, and a clearly weird deputy (intentionally, he looks like a meth-head), Russell Clank (Joe Anderson), who also happens to be the only clear-thinking, non-infected person of the bunch.

When you are on the run from crazies, the last thing you do is stop and try to rescue someone you know casually from town.

The number one person who should not make it out alive is Sheriff Dutton’s wife. Every time Sheriff Dutton tells her to stay put, she wanders off and gets in deep trouble. How many times should you save someone’s life before saying, “The hell with you! Survive on your own.”

I have warned my husband that if we are ever in a horror movie scenario, I will not stop running to kiss him.

At least no one in THE CRAZIES threw away a high-powered rifle when running from a bunch of crazies-without-an-agenda.

When is someone going to organize zombies and give them a purpose?

The town is under high-tech surveillance since a plane crashed in the town’s river with some biological virus onboard. It’s seeping into the town’s water.

Ha! I never drink water! Not even bottled water!

For the townspeople of Ogden Marsh it’s a slow process of infection with the onset making people crazy. Main objective? To kill for no damn good reason!

And once Sheriff Dutton figures it out, what does he do? Does he go to a supermarket and stock up on canned drinks? Does he go to a car dealership?  

The military wisely quarantines the town and, de rigueur for every apocalyptic horror movie, all of the cars are set on fire. Why? Doesn’t anyone keep their cars in garages?

When the military descends on the town, they set up a Treblinka-style camp. People are herded in. Just like the SS doctors, people are quickly evaluated and promptly eliminated. What will happen if the virus goes airborne?

I enjoy horror movies probably because they show exactly what not to do. If you are smart, you are on the screenwriter’s Death List. My number one hero is the chick from HIGH TENSION. Then there is Jeff from Eli Roth’s CABIN FEVER. As soon as the crazy started happening, he hid!

While the gore is subdued and the intelligence factor is nil, THE CRAZIES is fun and, as always, the zombie-crazies have nothing to say.  

My weekly column, “The Devil’s Hammer,” is posted every Monday. The Devil's Hammer on FTB. If you would like to be included on my private distribution list for a weekly preview, just email me at masauu@aol.com.

Victoria Alexander lives in Las Vegas, Nevada and answers every email. You can contact Victoria directly at masauu@aol.com.

Member of Las Vegas Film Critics Society: www.lvfcs.org/ Member of Broadcast Film Critics Association: www.bfca.org/